The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
