we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
