also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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