I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
