he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
