You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
