Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
