Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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