I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
