i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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