hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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