shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
lets start a swedish sibling band together
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
