come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
