Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
