Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
