____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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