did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
