I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
there's paper in my vomit.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
