How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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