i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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