My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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