we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
