Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
