Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I wish I could teleport
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I love you. Go after that dick
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
