She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
