You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my shit smells like andre
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
My vagina just recognized that song.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
