Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
