she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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