well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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