had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
