you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Hippo gnu deer
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
