I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
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God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
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Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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