It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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