i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
