phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Randomize
