Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
