Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just saw a hot homeless man
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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