he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
My dick has a subreddit
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
