if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
