I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
