just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
