Texts From Last Night

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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo

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  (803): You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo http://tfl.nu/7wt5
  Replies (35) Good night (4074) Bad night (591)
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.

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  (989): I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses. http://tfl.nu/7uea
  Replies (60) Good night (601) Bad night (3940)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.

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  (678): I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom. http://tfl.nu/95nr
  Replies (18) Good night (2123) Bad night (4037)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"

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  (503): He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy" http://tfl.nu/s0u1
  Replies (14) Good night (4110) Bad night (1008)
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?

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  (407): Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives? http://tfl.nu/s936
  Replies (22) Good night (3707) Bad night (966)
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  (631): View more from New York

  I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse

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  (631): I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse http://tfl.nu/4qxw
  Replies (14) Good night (679) Bad night (1351)
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.

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  (262): But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK. http://tfl.nu/jmv1
  Replies (18) Good night (2215) Bad night (633)
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  (562): View more from California

  Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.

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  (562): Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid. http://tfl.nu/2ztg
  Replies (23) Good night (2028) Bad night (961)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.

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  (651): Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown. http://tfl.nu/eqha
  Replies (1) Good night (880) Bad night (322)
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.

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  (423): I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick. http://tfl.nu/4wtf
  Replies (7) Good night (579) Bad night (1287)
• Favorite

  (+61): View more from Australia

  I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?

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  (+61): I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey? http://tfl.nu/wn19
  Replies (4) Good night (780) Bad night (434)
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.

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  (907): Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig. http://tfl.nu/jc5y
  Replies (6) Good night (973) Bad night (915)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex

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  (703): Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex http://tfl.nu/1fn0
  Replies (7) Good night (518) Bad night (828)
• Favorite

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.

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  (865): If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch. http://tfl.nu/4ij5
  Replies (4) Good night (377) Bad night (733)
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me

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  (530): I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me http://tfl.nu/myp4
  Replies (1) Good night (954) Bad night (290)

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