ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.