We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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