Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
