my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
