um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Oh god it's open bar.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
