Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
