This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
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By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
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Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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