So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize