the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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