the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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