I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
