There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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