I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
