I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
