You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
