I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
