I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
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you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
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When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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