Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
